spiral
by nevergoback
Summary: She used to love the snow. (7x10 AU post-fic)
1. Chapter 1

She used to love the snow.

The way it landed on her hair, on the tip of her nose. The way it brought people together while time stood still. The way people put on colorful lamps, not because they needed to, but because they knew everything would look prettier. The fact that many people would stuck at home, couldn't do their normal activities, and families would finally talk. Not to forget, the delicious hot coffee that would become even more delicious.

But then her mother's case happened while snow still fell from the sky, and after that, there were years when she couldn't stand it – The snow. Christmas.

For years after, snow was just frozen water, and everything about it annoyed the hell out of her. The way it covered her windows and blocked her view, the misdirected snowballs kids threw at her, how cold it made her, how boring it was to her eyes – _white, white, _and_ white. _

And then, and then he became her boyfriend, became her fiancé, and then officially became her husband. He helped her to love it again – one different unique activity involving snow every week of winter. He had helped her to change her bad memories of snow to the good ones, until one day, he believed it was enough, and for her, the snow became beautiful again.

But have you ever believed – have you ever believed that life could change in a matter of the speed of snow knocking to your door and then making its way to the ground from rejection? Because he didn't, and that was where he'd gone wrong.

That Christmas morning, he woke her up in the morning, excitedly helping the figure of his sleepy wife to sit. He took the jar of their not-yet-finished unique activities, each activity was written in a piece of folded paper. He put his hand on half of her face, trying his best to not let her see the paper while she picked one. After she finished, he dropped his hand. He encouraged her to open the folded paper, while he took one of her coats for her to wear.

"CS? What is that supposed to mean?" She asked, showing the paper to him.

"Ah. You're gonna love this one!" She followed him when he went to his kitchen, watching him opening the freezer and took what looked like two black papers. He then took her outside. She wondered what it was for.

"I'm kinda tired of catching killers, so let's catch snowflakes!" He said with a squeal, and then they started. She held the black carton with two hands, eyes straight to the sky. She smiled so bright, so bright that it made him smile too. Her smile was something that Castle couldn't miss watching. He'd never be bored of it – her smiles, her laughs, and every blush that crept up her face from his words.

"Staring at me is still creepy, Castle," she complained, eyes still on the sky.

He laughed at her, and then circled his arms to her waist, pressing a kiss on the top of her head. His lips stayed there for a while. "Even when we're married?"

He couldn't see her face clearly with his body behind hers, but he imagined she smiled at his words. She always did when he acknowledged their marital status. "Even when we're married."

She finished five minutes later. He took her to the nearest bench, gave her a magnifying-glass and that was when she finally saw the beauty in it. Every snow-crystal was different, in shapes and in sizes. They were too beautiful for words, and it left her staring at it for a minute, amazed with the thing that reminded her why she loved God's creature so much. The differences, the characteristics of every single thing ever existed.

He kissed the tip of her cold red nose. "See, Kate? That's why I stare at you a lot. You're beautiful."

She returned the compliment with a shy smile. "You're not so bad yourself, you know."

They were getting colder, and when he saw her shivered, he took the both of them outside. She insisted to stay outside and catch more snowflakes, but she was gone from shivering to visibly shaking, and it scared him, so he forced her to go inside.

He helped her to sit on the couch, draped a few blankets around her, and then gone for a while to make hot coffees for both of them. She accepted the cup gratefully, feeling the warm liquid making its effect to her temperature.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I thought your coat was enough." He knelt in front of her, kissed her lips, and then sat beside her. She settled her head on his shoulder. "It should've been enough."

He nodded, wrapping her cold figure with his arms. "Kate, I actually want to say this after Christmas, but I don't want to hide anything from you, so…I have a bad news. But I will find a way to fix it, so don't worry." He explained slowly and carefully, as if she'd get really mad at him for it.

She frowned at his words. "That's weird."

He then shifted from his seat, his eyes finding their way to her eyes. "What's weird?"

"I also have a bad news, but I don't know if I can fix it. I don't know if anyone can fix it." She dropped her gaze to the floor, but then decided to be strong for both of them. "What's your bad news, Rick? I'll only start after you." She took his hand on hers, reassuring both of them.

"I'm no longer permitted to work for the NYPD," he stated sadly. A hint of disappointment was shown in his face as he said it, the way he looked last night, the night she accused him something was wrong. And if this was the only thing that bothered him, she couldn't imagine how he would react when she finally told him what was bothering her. "That's it. But I promise you, Kate, I'll be back in no time. You'll have your partner back."

She smiled in response. "I'm sure I will."

"And what about you? What was bothering you?" He needed to know, because she looked so sad, one-hundred-and-eighty-degrees from how happy she was outside earlier.

He watched her face as she closed her eyes, didn't have the gut to look at him. "Rick, I…I have cancer."


	2. Chapter 2

"_And what about you? What was bothering you?" He needed to know, because she looked so sad, one-hundred-and-eighty-degrees from how happy she was outside earlier._

_He watched her face as she closed her eyes, didn't have the gut to look at him. "Rick, I… I have cancer."_

* * *

><p>For her, he had always been the strong one.<p>

She was supposed to be the one who comforted him after he was back from that unfortunate two months; he was the one who held her at night. He never asked if she needed it or not. He just held her tight, and she was forever thankful for his weird ability to read her mind.

Gunshot, _dengue__ fever, _memory-loss, and then knowing that he was the one who asked for the memory loss – she couldn't imagine what it was like for him. And yet, after he got back, he was the one who kissed her temple, murmuring soothing words to her ears, waking her up with kisses when she had one of those nightmares.

Even in that moment after she told him, he was still so strong. Two, three tracks of tears were already on her cheeks after she finally told him, but he just took deep breaths instead. She watched him as he squeezed his eyes – probably hoping that this was just a bad dream. His free hand moved from his thigh to the couch, and then to the pillow, back to his thigh and finally it found its way to her hand, as if it was the only solid thing that could keep him from falling. And after he intertwined his fingers with hers, he slowly revealed those blue eyes again, shining with the tears that never fell.

"I love you," he breathed, giving her a kiss on her forehead, and then a quick one on her lips. She just smiled sadly, but then he tightened his grip on her hand. "Okay. First bump on the road after being married, huh?" He tried to light up the situation, while the tears streaming down her face fastened.

"We've beaten so many things, Kate. We've beaten too many things, and you already have before I even came along. Why would this one be different?" He lifted her chin up, wiping her tears with his thumb.

"Now smile, Warrior!" He was so glad that finally, she gave him her real smile.

* * *

><p>He cancelled almost every Christmas events that day, busying himself with his laptop instead, with his wife napping beside him. They hadn't told anyone, not Lanie, not the boys. Not even Jim, Alexis or Martha. She begged him to keep it a secret for a few days because <em>"I need to face my own fear before I face anyone else's, Castle"<em>. And he understood. He needed it, too.

She had finally told him what kind of cancer she had, and explained every single thing – _"Remember that night after dinner, when you said you had to reduce my portion of food because I eat so little these days? I hid it from you, but it was because I will only bring it back up. But it bothered me and I went to the doctor a few days ago, I have my blood taken, and my alpha-fetoprotein number was pretty high." – _she also explained how she was recommended to do a CTScan and MRI. He had not been listening clearly because all he wanted was to scream, to cry out loud and to just disappear, but he knew had to be strong for Kate.

When he finally cleared his mind, he finally heard it again. He finally heard the main point of every word, every dizzying medical related she explained. "_Liver cancer, Castle. I have liver cancer. The third stadium, the IIIA one. They said I have six months until two years."_

He thought he understood, but he didn't, and he knew he never would. Anyways, he still wanted to understand. He still had the need to really understand her disease, the answer and justification of why she had to have this. Why the love of his life when there were millions human on earth, why such a beautiful person who literally brought people justice when there were thousands of people who wasted their lives doing nothing, why her when there were murderers and corrupts. _Why punish her and not them._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hepatocellular carcinoma. <strong>HCC. Hepatoma. _Liver cancer.

Based on the research of this five-rated website, _hepatoma _was the most common type of live cancer in adults. The cancer was mostly occurred in males (and he wondered why _he _hadn't been the one who had this), 80% of patients with _hepatoma_ already had cirrhosis before (and his partner was the other 20%), patients with that kind of cancer in Asia and Africa were twenty – thirty times higher than other continents because of the Hepatitis B or C endemic _(his Kate never lived in any of those mentioned continents nor ever had hepatitis)_.

Other than that, _hepatoma _and most liver-involved-diseases were triggered mostly by alcohol, smoking, and unhealthy life style.

Kate Beckett didn't smoke, wasn't an alcoholic, had a good track record of health, and she had taken care of her own body. Maybe not in those damned junk foods before she lived with him, but she practiced regularly – and that was supposed to be enough, right?

* * *

><p>They fell asleep for the whole night. One of his hands clasped in hers, so, so tight, as if he was scared that his wife would disappear into tiny snowflakes, falling to the ground or to his unused black paper outside, revealing its temporary beauty that would soon melt away.<p>

* * *

><p>"Kate," he tried to wake her up, running his hand gently on her arm. "Kate, wake up."<br>He hated to wake her up when she slept so peaceful, but she hadn't eaten from last night and he wanted to shoot himself every time he remembered how he didn't set up an alarm. "Wake up, Kate. We're not gonna be late for..."

He knew she would stir at the word 'late', because she never liked being late, and she did. She slowly opened her eyes. He smiled thinking that she was going to get up, but she whined instead. "Caaaaastle, I'm tired."

He chuckled at the sight, and then tried his most effective way of waking her up. He tickled her. She had her weak spots everywhere, especially at her feet. "Castle, I'm swear I'm gonna...," she laughed, "I told you, I'm tired!...," she rolled to the middle of the bed, avoiding him, and then hid herself in their super-comfy blanket.

"You've been sleeping from 7 yesterday," he shook his head. "Come on, Kate. You have to eat, anyway. You haven't eaten last night. Come on."

Suddenly, she ran to the bathroom, hand clasped to her mouth. She hadn't had the time to close the door, so he followed her and knelt beside her. A moment of silence before she began to heave and heave, ended up expelled nothing but stomach acid. He ran small circle on her back, waiting until her stomach settled before he decided to carry her to their bedroom.

He made a stack of three pillows for her to lean on, her eyes still closed. "Kate, I want to meet your doctor soon."

She frowned. "From now on, this is a normal thing. You can't meet the doctor just because I get sick."

He nodded, even though she wasn't seeing. "I know. I just have a few questions, and I want to know the plan about your treatment. I'd like to see her today, there's a lot to talk about your...problem." He didn't dare to say the word.

"My cancer," she corrected, eyes finally opened.

"Your cancer," he whispered.

She smiled in agreement, offering a hand for him to hold. "It's gonna be hard on you. If you want to leave-"

"Shh. Never." he shushed her. Leaving her was never an option.

Yesterday, he would've laughed. He had laughed a lot about how cliche cancer is for an end of a story. But this was his Kate, and he completely had no idea how to live with that.

He realized he might never know.

* * *

><p><em>AN: I don't know if I should continue the story, should I? And I apologize if there's a medical error, I'm a social student and I rely everything on google, also if there's a grammar error, I don't really speak English. If anyone has a critic or something, let me know! It will be much much much appreciated._


	3. Author's Note

_Dear readers, thank you for the favorites, the follows, and even more, for the reviews. Unfortunately, due to some responses, I won't be continuing this story. I have thought about this, and I think those constructive reviews are very reasonable, and I'm so grateful that people actually do care about my writing. I just want to let all of you know, that I am in no way, _no way_, trying to offend anyone, and I didn't choose this subject because it's a 'trend'. I didn't even think that as a possible reason to choose a subject. Correction – I didn't even think at all! I write what crossed my mind, and I now know how wrong it was. I agree it is a very sensitive subject to write about, and again I am so sorry. Sorry for not continuing and sorry for making some of you feel offended._

_I hope you understand. If you're a curious reader like me (I hate it when people don't continue stories!), let me tell you something – Kate would never ever disappear and come back as snowflakes xD hahahahah_

_Aya_


End file.
